Monday, March 11, 2013

You Can't Truss a Lawyer, But You Can Truss a Chicken

(I usually post on Wednesdays. I messed up. Evelin is a COMPLETE ROCK STAR and covered my mocha-colored booty. I owe her.)

By the time you read this, my many lawyer friends may have hunted me down and killed me. I usually don't make lawyer jokes, but I couldn't resist this one. Also, not only is this a TERRIBLE pun, I didn't even come up with it on my own. I cribbed it from someone else, but more on that later.

For those of you who know me, you know that Captain Underpants is now a strong boy of 8 and 1/2. You also may know that he is a tall 56 inches (compared to my 64 inches) and weighs 70 pounds (I'm not telling you how much I weigh, but let's say it's getting hard to pick the kid up). The Hulk isn't far behind him; at 46 inches, 44 pounds and 6 1/2 years old I am raising a couple of giants. Little Miss Fancy is 34 inches and 35 pounds and clearly not letting her brothers leave her in the dust.  It should come as no surprise that the Captain eats more than I do at any given meal. Half of the time this is because I have not yet adjusted to how much he eats and therefore I have to give him some of my portion (the night where I got just one taco comes to mind) but sometimes the kid just EATS A LOT.

So, for the past 18 months I have been learning to do a lot of cooking. Homemade soups, homemade snacks, double batches of get the idea. One thing I have learned is that a roast chicken goes really far in this house. It can be the main dish one night, lunch for Mr. Incredible the next day, and made into quesadillas, fajitas, or tortilla soup later in the week. My kids can attest to the fact that I have made varying different kinds of roast chicken: Apple & Maple Roast Chicken, Butter and Herb Roast Chicken, Garlic and Rosemary...the list goes on. I tried to poison us all about two weeks ago when I cooked a chicken at a very low temperature for about 50 minutes and cut into a very juicy very raw chicken at dinner time. Whoops!

Today I decided to try out a new chicken recipe. Here it is in case you care.
As you see from the directions, it instructs you to "truss" your chicken and then goes on to extol the virtues of a trussed chicken. Well, that's all well and good, but how the heck do you truss a chicken? I was about to freak out a little bit, but the recipe was so easy that I didn't want to give up just because I didn't know how to do this one little thing. I mean, how hard could it be?

The answer is that it is really easy to truss a chicken if you have some kitchen twine and are very comfortable flipping your chicken around. I am very glad that I did this while I was alone in the house. First of all, I found a great video that shows you exactly what to do. I watched it several times and if you watch it, you will hear the terrible pun that is the title of this post.
Now the thing is, our computer is downstairs in our basement, so I had to bring my chicken in the roasting pan down to the desk so that I could follow the video without having to run up and down the stairs. This provided some comedic moments especially when I flipped the chicken over to tie the underside and the bird tried to make its escape out of the pan. Let's just say that the desk has now been sanitized thoroughly. Additionally, I found out rather late in the game that the one piece of kitchen twine that I could find was not long enough to fit around the bird. I then spent several minutes running around looking for a suitable substitute. (BTW, embroidery thread works wonders!) After three attempts, I managed to truss the unruly chicken and carry it back to the kitchen.

At this point I slid the unruly, but now subdued, bird into the oven and (say it with me) POURED A GLASS OF WINE. I deserved it. I tamed a dead chicken.

Look, this is one of those posts where I just lean back and marvel at the fact that I've made it this far. Three years ago I was terrified of cooking a turkey at Thanksgiving and this year I actually made Thanksgiving dinner for my mother-in-law basically from scratch. And she's not one of those crazy scary MILs...she's wonderful and helpful and kind. I can't believe people call me up and ask me for advice about things as though I MIGHT ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO. It's crazy. But hey, I know how to truss a chicken, so maybe I can solve all your problems too!

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