Our stint on FLEA MARKET FLIP, pt. 2!

Photo by DeeConstructed

DID YOU SEE IT?! We were on Flea Market Flip y'all!!! IT WAS A BLAST!

*******SPOILER ALERT********

Our stint on FLEA MARKET FLIP!

Hi y'all!  I'm excited to FINALLY be able to share my awesome news with you!  Last year, Erika and I filmed an episode of FLEA MARKET FLIP!

In case you have been living under a rock, FMF is a show by the HGTV network, hosted by Lara Spencer (of GMA fame) where two teams are given $500 and a 'flip list' and set free at a flea market to buy 3 pieces that they must flip for profit.  The team with the most profits, wins a cash prize!

Don't Be a Smug Cook--Part 2

Remember back when Evey was doing those GF Fridays? And remember my GF Friday post about how we don't "do" gluten-free here in the E's Delights kitchen? (You can check it out here if you wish to laugh at my naivete) I wish I could go back and smack the crap out of myself.
Because I am knee-deep in this shit, now, my friends. Knee. Freaking. Deep.
Princess Sassafras has had tummy issues ever since she came to live with us about 18 months ago.  We have spent considerable time and effort trying to get her gastrointestinal functions under control and it has been no picnic. Recently we got some tests back indicating that she is highly sensitive to several foods which make up the backbone of all of the food in this house. Eggs. Wheat. Whey. Casesin (milk protein). Cheese. Peanuts.
Awesome.
Look, I am not going to complain. She does not have a life-threatening peanut allergy. She does not have celiac. She eats, breathes, grows.  I am still incredibly blessed.  And now I get to use my fancy education and the power of the Internet to come up with a way to make tortillas made out of cauliflour. The point of this post is to give you a couple of tips if you are a smug person like me who now has to eat humble pie:
1. Don't panic. --Seriously, it is going to be fine. Information is always better than ignorance and now you have the power to make a positive impact in someone's life.
2. Utilize every resource you've got.--Get on Pinterest, FoodAllergies.com, go to the library, go to WebMD, talk to other parents, join pages on Facebook, but basically do whatever you need to do to get information and support.  You are confused and upset. It's okay. Let other people help you navigate this tricky world.
3. Make a list.--Post a list on the refrigerator of food ingredigents to be on the lookout for.  When your spouse is trying to feed all of your kids and it's already 30 minutes past dinner time and he or she doesn't want to call you because you are finally enjoying a night out, give them a break a post a list of stuff to watch out for. This keeps you from screaming, "NO! No soy sauce! Never soy sauce!!" over your phone at a packed bar while you try to juggle your cosmo.
4. Cry sometimes.--Yeah. It sucks. It would be nice not to have to spend $6 for a loaf of bread or spend 100 years shopping because you have read every single food label. But, if it sucks for you, imagine how it feels to be 4 years old and watch your brothers wolf down 3 slices of cheesy pizza at a party while your mommy cuts up your one millioneth grilled chicken breast because you can't have gluten OR dairy.
5. Embrace the crazy.--I have had laundry sitting various states of folded vs not folded on my sofa for two days. I have spent the time instead creating a special shelf for Princess Sassafras in the kitchen of all the foods she CAN snack on so that I am not constantly shouting, "No! You can't eat that!" I also have been burning up our Amazon Prime account ordering GF oats, GF flours, nuts, and coconut oil so that I can make the girl a muffin that won't send her into gastric distress. Everyone deserves a good muffin.
Drink wine. Remember how awesome you are.

Pioneer Wife 101--Homemade Laundry Detergent

(Note: This is the second draft of this post. My first one was witty and awesome. My Blogger app on my tablet deleted it. If this post is lacking, blame Blogger, not me. I'm hilarious and awesome...remember that.)

As Mr. Incredible can tell you, I really like to do things myself. There are three reasons for this: 1. I am a controlling nut-bag. 2. I am one of the cheapest people alive. 3. I just like to prove that I CAN whether it makes practical sense or not. These fine qualities extend to many areas of my life and the only thing that balances them out is the major fact that I am kind of lazy. For example, I am adamant about cleaning my own house versus having a cleaning person, but it often takes me a stupidly long time to get around to cleaning everything.  I refused for YEARS to get a pedicure because I could paint my own toenails for free, but then spent the first six weeks of summer in high top sneakers because my feet looked like Frodo Baggins' feet. (Lord of the Rings reference for you non-nerds out there)

Imagine my glee when I saw this recipe for Homemade Laundry Detergent. Like many of you, I do crazy amounts of laundry every Monday and so we have been spending a lot on detergent.  (Monday is Laundry Day here...not sure what day yours is...everyday? Twice a month? Whatever.) The kicker is that both The Hulk and Mr. Incredible have sensitive skin, so I can't use anything except Tide Free & Gentle.  Awesome. So I just kept hunting for coupons and going about my business.  But, when I saw this recipe, I decided to try it. There is Borax, Fels-Naptha, and Washing Soda in it which are not necessarily known for their sensitive skin attributes, BUT there are no added perfumes and you use a ton of water, so I got to work.

 A couple of things to note:
1. You have to melt the grated soap flakes in hot water on the stove.  Please keep an eye on it. Faster than you think, it will start bubbling and may, perhaps, boil over sending suds pouring all over your stove.  This COULD happen to you. Though it would force you to clean your burners, it could also cause you to bobble your wine and say several swear words. IT COULD.
2. This recipe calls for A LOT of water. Use a good sized bucket and do not attempt to use your tiny kitchen funnel to pour the finished product into the bottles. It won't work and you will have a big ol' mess.
3. This batch made 187 oz. of detergent.  Good thing I had an extra bottle laying around from when I forgot the recycling.

(Please do not look at the dirty grout in my kitchen...it is literally the bane of my cleaning existence much like my glass shower doors.)

Verdict? I would totally do this again.  It took me about 15 minutes to make the stuff.  I poured it into the bottles, let it gel up overnight, and started doing laundry in the morning.  Some people have said that their whites are not as white with this stuff, but mine are fine.  The "fragrance" is minimal, in fact, I was considering adding some lemon essential oil to the next batch.

You want the math? Of course you do!
Fels-Naptha soap: 99 cents at Wal-Mart (only use 1/3 per batch)
Washing Soda: $2.99 (used 1/2 cup which is 1/14th of the box)
Borax: $4.49 (used 1/2 cup which is 1/19th of the box)

Total cost for this batch: 78 cents.

Yes, you read that correctly...78 FREAKIN' CENTS! To give you some perspective, I would have spent $26.50 on a comparable amount of Tide Free and Gentle. (75 oz bottle for HE machines)

I took my savings and cackled joyfully as I bought myself two bottles of my favorite Sav Blanc. (It was on special...my day just got better and better!)

E vs. Banana Bread Muffins (spoiler alert: I lose)

Some of you may know that I am having an ongoing battle with my daughter's stomach.  Poor Fancy Pants bloats at every blink of an eye.  All the regular culprits seem to have been eliminated (dairy, gluten, soy, gnomes) so we are at an impasse for the moment. However, I have been trying to cut down on her carbs and give her mostly veggies and protein. Fancy Pants is not super happy with this as you might imagine. My girl never met a muffin she didn't like and watching her brothers chow down on cereal every morning is starting to give her serious rage.


So, I did what any good Mommy would do...I searched to find her a muffin that she could eat.  She loves bananas and we always have some on hand, so I figured that banana muffins would be awesome.  I would swap the regular flour for almond or oat flour, add a little Xanthum gum to hold it together and we would be good to go.
Alas, I was to be thwarted.


I made a couple of batches of these muffins, WHICH SHE ATE by the way, and then I noticed that they were COMPLETELY UNCOOKED in the middle. Seriously. I didn't follow my own "taste everything" rule because I really, really hate bananas. My husband told me that he thought they were mushy and it wasn't until he said something that I broke one open and saw the disgusting raw blob in the center. Fancy Pants was so damn desperate for the muffin that she just kept eating them despite my lack of skills. 



Obviously, I tried again.  And again.  And one more time. I have been completely defeated by the muffins.  I can't get them to rise, I can't get them to finish cooking, and if I leave them in the oven too long the tops and bottoms get rubbery and the middle remains uncooked. I am hella pissed. You would wonder why I don't just ask Evey to MAKE me some GF Banana Muffins since it's kind of HER JOB, but I was bound and determined to do it on my own. You know what? I frickin' quit. Screw you, Banana Muffins.  I'm opening some Pinot Grigio and drowning my sorrows.

5 Things Someone Really Should Have Told You about Cooking

I really enjoy being a know-it-all. I derive pleasure from knowing things and then casually dropping my nuggets of knowledge into casual conversation, like so:
"Oh, yes, Heirloom Tomatoes are those that have not been commercially hybridized. The term can refer to commercial plants that have been pollinated out in the open, or family plants that can trace the original seed back several generations."
You see? This is not a trait that I find endearing or particularly likable. It's a flaw in my character. However, in this case, I am trying to use my knowledge for good. I really do want you to have an easier time cooking. I really do want you to know these things so that you can enjoy the rest of your life, like wine-drinking, book reading, Facebook stalking, or whatever you do for fun. So, please listen to me about these five things. Seriously, you should be writing this stuff down. (Wait, I guess I am writing it down for you...duh.)
1. Aprons are not just for Donna Reed. Yep, you heard me. I used to think that aprons were a dumb throwback item that had no purpose other than to fuel my husband's lurid fantasies. Then I splashed some olive oil on my favorite silk sweater and cursed a blue streak. 5 hours and 3 laundry treatments later, I came to embrace the wearing of an apron. Do it. Buy one that suits your personality and just go with it. Your clothes, skin, and maybe your significant other will thank you.
2. Own at least one good knife. Ever look in the 'prep time' part of a recipe and see something like 5 minutes? Ever tried to prep that same recipe and it takes you 20 minutes? Yep, it's because your knife sucks. I'm not saying you have to run out and buy a bunch of gourmet Wusthof knives or anything, but you need one high quality knife.  I suggest a Chef's knife because it is versatile. Think of it this way: Would you want your surgeon cutting you with the scalpel she bought at Wal-Mart 10 years ago and never sharpened, or would you rather she used a top of the line instrument to slice your delicate flesh? Exactly. That is the way your perfect roast chicken feels about it too.
3. Own at least one good pan. Please, please do this. If your pan warps when you have it on high heat, your pan sucks. If the coating comes off the first time you wash it, your pan sucks. Cook one omelette in a crappy pan on a day that you have the worst hangover of your life and you will understand. Just go out and buy a 12" heavy duty non-stick skillet with a lid. Use it to cook everything. You can even transfer it to the oven. Oh, oh, except if it has a plastic handle. Then just don't. (Not that I would know PERSONALLY) But, if your pan has a plastic handle, you guessed it, your pan sucks.
4. Buy an oven thermometer. Oven temperatures can vary up to 25 degrees. Do you want to roast your chicken at 375 when the recipe called for 400? No, you don't because you will end up with an under-cooked chicken that might make people sick. Conversely, do you want to bake your awesome cake that you made from scratch for your husband's birthday at 400 degrees versus 375? Not unless you want him to bite into a spongy, dry, icky mess.
5. Use unsalted butter. Look, I know, unsalted butter on toast is gross. Unsalted butter on pancakes lacks something special. For those things, use salted butter or margarine or whatever. However, when cooking, most recipes writers are assuming that you know to use unsalted butter. I don't know why they assume that, but they do. This is especially important for people watching their sodium intake; all of the nutrition facts are calulated using unsalted butter. Catching on? If you only have salted butter, never fear, just eliminate the additional salt that the recipe calls for.
And here is a bonus one for you:
6. TASTE EVERYTHING. This is the best advice my dad ever gave me.  In fact, my kids tease me about it all the time as I take bites of their food before I serve it to them.  A steak or piece of fish can look just like the picture, but taste like crap. You need to know this before you serve it to your boyfriend's parents. Or the priest you are having over for dinner. Or your wife's boss. Unless you are cooking something that you are allergic to, (done it. Don't judge me) please taste it. You will be surprised at how often you need a little "something" extra.
You are welcome. Toast yourself with some wine...you just took the first step to knowing everything. (wink, wink)

Captain Underpants: Lego game inventor

For those of you in the know, my oldest (aka Captain Underpants) has a sincere desire to become a Lego Master Builder. There really is such a job, just take a look at the life-size replica of Luke Skywalker's speeder that was just unveiled in Times Square.  Needless to say, I am definitely encouraging this as a job choice. He would basically get to be an engineer that plays for a living. Smart kid; at age 9 1/2 he has figured out how to play with toys and get paid to do it.
Recently, in the Captain's math class, the kids have been tasked with creating a board game. They have to come up with a game board, rules, playing pieces, etc. This has gotten the Captain all excited about games.  Of course, his project is highly detailed, but at home he keeps coming up with games, "just for fun, Mom" that he tries to entice us to play.
Today, while I was enjoying myself immensely by rearranging my boards on Pinterest, the Captain asked me if I had come up with any cool ideas that I could put on Pinterest myself.  When I mentioned that my main involvement with Pinterest has basically involved finding other people's cool ideas and then making them myself, the Captain shook his head and announced that he would come up with something that I could pin.  Clearly the child wants me to make a contribution of some kind instead of just poaching the good ideas of others. Go figure. To help me out, the Captain invented a quick Lego game and demonstrated it for me so that I could pass it on to you.
I will give you the instructions word-for-word as he wrote them down for me, as he has such a way of putting things...I have no hope of replicating it.

5 minutes. 30 pieces. (Variable time and number of pieces)
1. Pick 30 random Lego pieces
2. Set timer for 5 minutes
3. Start the timer, start building, and have fun!"

Then he drew a little box that said "picture...final" that was supposed to represent me adding in a picture of his final creation.  He also created the caption for the picture. Hilarious.
This is a stripped down version of the game Creationary, where you get two minutes to build a specific object out of Legos and your teammates have to guess what it is.  But, the difference here is that you have a limited number and limited time to create ANYTHING.

GF Fridays: How we do Gluten-Free in the E's Kitchen

I know that Friday is halfway over and I am finally getting this post out.  So sue me.  We have a lot of stuff going on over here.  My foodie partner-in-crime has her sweet brown sugar behind in the hospital again so I get to take over all of her stuff.  Seriously...the girl has a lot of stuff.  And she is SO FLIPPIN' BOSSY! From the hospital bed she will text me. "E, I need you to do this. E, don't forget to do that. E, how come your pictures always look like crap?" Damn.

So, pray for her okay? And pray for me because she is going to max out my phone text limit and my sweet Mr. Incredible is going to be hella pissed. 

But I have gotten off topic. IT IS GLUTEN-FREE FRIDAY! Hooray. (mild sarcasm).  Over here in the E's Delights kitchen, I like to tell you about making GF things are delicious, but not necessarily nutritious or practical.  I mean, everyone can tell you how to make a GF Chicken Pot Pie, but that is B-O-R-I-N-G. You know what we are making? GF Pop-Tarts. Word.

The first thing I need to say is that this recipe is not mine.  I did not come up with it on my own.  I was trolling Pinterest as I do every day and found it. I saved it on one of my boards.  I forgot about it for about 5 weeks.  Then one day I took Captain Underpants and The Hulk to the grocery store with me.  This is usually a huge no-no, but it was spring break and I had no choice unless I wanted to go at 9:30 at night when Mr. Incredible finally got home. So I did what any sane mother would do: I bribed them.  If they were good and did not whine, I would let them buy one junk food item each. JUST ONE. 

Well, Captain Underpants chose strawberry Pop-Tarts which made The Hulk cry. Why? Because strawberry Pop-Tarts have Red 40 in them and The Hulk cannot have this food dye. (how do you think he got this nickname?) The lightbulb came on over my head and I told him that I could MAKE some homemade Pop-Tarts. This caused joy. But, they would have to be GF because of Fancy Pants (my daughter) not being able to have gluten right now.  This did not stop The Hulk's dance of joy.  So, I bought some strawberry preserves (which I am really allergic to, btw) and off we went. 

You can find the recipe here: Momables Pop Tarts. I'm not going to re-type it because I am lazy.

Here are all of the ingredients I used. Aren't they pretty? I used Rice Flour as the GF flour of choice.  I ground it myself in my coffee grinder, but more on that later.

Here is the dough ball.  The recipe said to mix everything by hand, but I don't have that kind of time. I really don't. I used my food processor with my dough blade and went to town. ALSO, I mis-read the directions and added too much water, so I had to keep adding flour so that the dough ball would hold it's shape. I'm a dumb ass. Please read directions.

Here are the Pop-Tarts rolled out and with the strawberry preserves inside. This leads me to another opportunity where I get to point out how I screwed up. This recipe says that it can make 8 tarts. Um...yeah. No. I ended up making 5 full-size tarts and then running out of dough for the top layers. So I had to improvise and fold over the last three and make a couple of "mini" tarts. This actually worked out very well and they ended up being the perfect size for lunch boxes, so at least it wasn't a waste.  

Here they are in the oven.  The kids were becoming increasingly hungry at this point though I reminded Captain Underpants that he had already HAD his chemical laden Pop-Tarts earlier so he needed to calm down.

This is the (mostly) final product. I did top each one with a lemon glaze I had leftover from some muffins I made awhile back. 

The verdict: The Hulk and Fancy Pants ate these things like there was a coming alien apocalypse and these were the last food items available.  Captain Underpants ate his, told me they were delicious, but when I asked for his honest opinion, told me that they were only so-so and then looked as though he might cry for fear of hurting my feelings.  Two things I want to note: 1) I did not grind the rice flour finely enough, so the end product was a bit gritty and this is what was making them only so-so for my kid who is texture-sensitive 2) I added some nutmeg  and next time I will replace some of the white sugar with brown sugar. Everyone here knows how I feel about the brown vs. white thing. (ref: Brown Rice post)

Since I couldn't have any (strawberries +  E = death) I had....c'mon, do I have to say it?

A nice cool glass of Savignon Blanc. Ahhh

Seriously? You are still buying Vegetable Stock?

I don't know what day this is...I mean, I know what day I am writing this, but I don't know what Gluten-Free Living day it is.  Sue me. In any event, I need to know why you are still buying store-bought vegetable stock or broth. C'mon, give me some reasons why you are paying at least $3 for 4 cups of "organic" vegetable broth when you could be making it at home with...wait for it....THE SCRAPS OF THE VEGGIES YOU USE ALL THE TIME.

Yes, I just shouted at you. I shouted because every time you peel a carrot, cut the top and bottom off of an onion, chop some celery, cut up zucchini, peel potatoes, or discard a few mushrooms, you are throwing away the means to make a good vegetable stock. Seriously, stuff you are throwing in the trash is something you could be using to cook food. All of your grandmothers (alive or dead) are getting up to slap you across the face.  In my case, she would be taking a branch off of the peach tree in her backyard and using it on my nether regions. So, you can understand my passion here. 

Luckily, I am here to save you from a generational smack-down.  It is so incredibly easy to make veggie stock. Let's get started.

1. First, cook some stuff all week. Save all your veggie scraps in a plastic bag in the fridge. Do me a favor. Don't save stuff with a high water content like cucumbers. Think yams, potatoes, celery tops, onions, carrot tops and peels, mushrooms, etc. (though I never use mushrooms because I would die, but that is beside the point.)

2. When the bag is full, gather your supplies. Scraps, cooking pot, pepper, garlic powder, thyme, bay leaf, salt...really whatever seasonings you would like.  I just rattled off some of my basic ones. 

3. Put all the scraps in the pot along with the seasonings. Add enough water to cover it. I don't measure anything, so please just trust yourself.  Except for this...start with 1/2 tsp of salt.  You can always add a little more later.  Also, when you are using the stock in a recipe, you will most likely be adding salt anyway. Don't make your soup crappy before you even start cooking it!

4. Let the whole thing come to kind of a rolling simmer.  You don't want it boiling, but you don't want the veggies sitting in the pot in lukewarm water either.You should cover it and let it simmer for about 90 minutes to 2 hours. 

5. Depending on the time of day that you are doing this, it's time to pour yourself a glass of wine.  Unlike my last post, you will have a nice amount of time to enjoy this glass.  Also, go do something else.  Put in a load of laundry. Watch Fringe. Read a non-parenting magazine. 

6. When the stock is done, it should smell like soup. If it smells like crap, the chances are that something went south in your scraps bag and now you just cooked a bunch of rotten stuff. Gross. Go water the plants and try again in a week. If it smells good, let it cool before straining out all of the veggie scraps. 

7. You will be left with two awesome things...one, you will have beautiful golden veggie stock that you can use in soups and recipes. 

You will also be left with a wet, soggy mess of cooked veggie scraps that are now PERFECT for your compost pile. 

WHAT??!!!

You don't compost? Well, this time I am going to let your grandmother slap you around. In any case, enjoy your gluten-free veggie stock. This time around I managed to get about 6 1/2 cups of stock, thus saving myself about $6. I make a lot of soup and use a lot of stock to flavor chicken, so I can go through 6 cups fairly quickly.  You can freeze this and save it...also, I suggest freezing some in an ice cube tray so that if you only need a couple of tablespoons in a recipe, you would just need to throw in a couple of cubes.  You're welcome. ;)